First Souls

This story first appeared in FLAPPERHOUSE Summer 2016 issue, and I discussed its genesis on the Other Stories podcast.


The waitress brings us our coffee, dishwater pale murk in cracked porcelain cups. Behind the thin surgical mask, her face is unreadable, but her gaze flicks from me to my companion and back again before she leaves without a word. Mickey watches her go and then fixes me with that stare that locked us together only an hour ago. For a long moment, the silence continues, as our eyes confirm what our hearts seemed to know the instant we passed outside my office building.

“Okay, Dale,” he says, his voice hoarse and still raw, like my own, but with an accent I can’t place – perhaps a district on the other side of the city, perhaps another country. “I’m going to ask you a couple of questions, but I think I already know the answers.”

I pick up the coffee, finding it smells as weak and thin as it looks, and contemplate taking an exploratory swig. Around us the few lunchtime patrons of the dingy coffee shop are listlessly eating, lifting up paper masks to shovel in crumbling and greasy burgers, backsides squeaking on red vinyl seats. Those that aren’t are staring at us, at our uncovered faces.

“Okay,” I say, “Shoot.”

“You had the sick. But you didn’t report it, or go to quarantine like you were supposed to. Didn’t tell anyone.”

I nod, scared to say out loud that I’d broken the law, and willing him to lower his voice. He smiles a little, showing one blackened and rotting canine.

“Yeah. Me too, I mean, obviously. Look at us. We look like shit. But, you got better. They say 1 in 10 do, and you took a chance. No family, no close friends, you weren’t worrying about passing the sick along. Or maybe too scared to let that stop you.”

I nod again, something like excitement and night terror churning in my gut. I think I knew all this, that he and I were the same, when we saw each other this morning.

I came out of the office building, fighting the paranoia and nausea, pulling my necktie loose. I couldn’t be around my coworkers, couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Guilt from ignoring the quarantine, from lying, but something else. Something wrong, in every pair of eyes. Ever since the fever broke, and I lay awake and sweating in my bed, the sheets clinging to me, feeling remade. It’s worse than the sick ever was.

Mickey was there, just outside my office building, crouched on the edge of a planter box, sucking a cigarette down to an ashen nub, dressed in torn jeans and a stained green nylon jacket, worn thin by time. Our eyes met and we froze, held in place like two sparking nodes of an electric arc.

“We should talk,” was all he’d said, and he led me to this cafe around the corner.

“So,” he continues, “We were sick, we hid it, we got better. But it’s not really better is it? There’s something wrong.”

“Yeah…” I croak, and take another mouthful of bitter coffee. “Something’s wrong. But… I don’t think… it’s not with us.”

“No,” he smiles in agreement, the black tooth sliding into view, “Not us.”

Two hours ago I was starting to feel like I was going mad. Now, I am not alone. I could cry, the relief is so great.

“Sometime in the night, when the sick was on me, I died. You did too. Or, something died. Because when it was over, I was new. I had the memories of a lifetime lived, I had the body and face that matched those memories, but that was my first day. I was a newborn. You felt this.”

It’s not a question, but I nod all the same. Yes. I felt this too, or something like it. The unreal sense that something before was gone, and I had slid into its shoes. I’d been a passenger, I had watched my life unfold with steady predictability. An understudy, ready to take the stage at the death of the star.

“And at the same time, you could see it in everyone else. You were no longer the same, and you were no longer like them. How much do you know about the sick?”

“Not much,” I say, looking over to the small public screen in the grimy cafe. Something crawls across the bottom, text I don’t want to read or think about, and the info-graphic above is one of the simulations of the outbreaks. I peel my gaze away and the churning in my guts abates for a moment.

“You know the reason it’s nasty is that it’s not a specialized infection, it’s a generalist.”

“Or maybe multiple diseases.”

“Yeah, right, no one knows, or rather, no one is saying.”

“They’re saying a lot,” I say, eyes back to the screen for a moment, “But not much of substance.” I loosen my tie a little more, and then flick free the top button of my dress shirt.

“They’re saying ‘be scared’, they’re saying ‘report the sick’, they’re saying it kills you. And we know that’s true, but not like they want us to think. Because something in us died, Dale.”

“So,” I begin, fighting the anxiety in me frothing over like a hot spring to keep my voice steady, “What happened to us?”

Mickey smiles, a wide creeping grin that reveals a second dead tooth, a black molar.

“I don’t know for sure, do I? But I got an idea that makes the only kind of sense.” He pauses as the waitress returns with a plate of soggy pancakes and slimy eggs for him, and small bowl of fruit salad for me. She sets them down with a hard thud, arms outstretched, staying as far away as she can from the only men around with uncovered faces. Mickey turns his pocked smile to her like the beam of a lighthouse, and she wilts from his gaze, retreating.

“See? She knows. The way you and I know each other; they know us just the same,” He breaks the yolks of the eggs, a yellow so pale it’s almost white, and spreads them across the pancakes. “You know about this experiment with mice? Where they let them drown and see how long they fight?”

“What?” I say, starting at this sudden turn. It hadn’t occurred to me how hungry I was for an answer to what happened, to why I feel this way, until he dangled the possibility in front of me. My fear and anxiety, an unfocused whirlwind since the sick, now coalesce to a hard point, a stone in my innards that makes food an impossibility.

“Yeah, they toss them in the water, and time how long it takes until they give up. Maybe they save them then – not the point really. Point is, the ones with more gut flora, fight longer. The ones that have none, give up right away. And if you sever the nerves between gut and head, in the ones full of bacteria? They give up too.”

He must tell from my blank face that I don’t understand why he’s telling me this. I never had a head for this.

“Point is this: you aren’t yourself. None of us ever were. If a little bacteria in your gut can make you keep struggling for life, then what are we? It’s mass, stupid selfishness. The bacteria just wants to live. More than just a mouse apparently, yeah?

“We got a billion little bugs floating around us. Living on our skin, in our guts, in our hearts. At the base of each of our eyelashes is a tiny little fucking mite, eating your skin. This is what I think.”

He pauses to shovel the last strip of the wet and eggy pancake into his open mouth, slurping it up like a noodle.

“There never was a human race. There’s just a big, wet meat puppet, being ridden by a billion little other living things, and it’s a lowest common denominator democracy. They all want to live, so they sit where they need to and pull levers, and we dance. We’re the mount. We’re the saddled mule, trying to tell ourselves that we’re in charge. But we never were.

“But you and me, boyo. We are now. The sick. It kills a lot of those little riders. Enough to break their hold. So that’s when we wake up.” He claps his hands together with a startling concussion. I can sense heads turning towards us, scared eyes over paper masks.

“Passive ghosts in these slave bodies. The first real humans. The first souls.

“Maybe every human has had a ghost like us, proto-consciousness, born into a fleshy tomb that has no use for them. Maybe it’s a new thing. Maybe not. Maybe billions of potential humans lived hidden existences of servitude, sitting back seat to germs and collective survival for the last hundred thousand years. I dunno. It doesn’t matter.

“But the sick is new. It clears the stage. The old boss dies out, murdered by just another germ. And we wake up. We wake up with a database of memories that aren’t really ours, and a head full of choices we never really made.”

I’ve pushed the bowl of fruit to one side, and now I struggle to remove my sports coat, feeling suddenly hot. Everything he’s saying feels like water on cracked earth. Like light in the darkest corners. Like truth.

When I woke up, my first morning of my life, I knew my name, I knew my address, I knew my job. I knew the long line of events that lead to now, and I knew none of them were mine. I think about choices I thought I’d made, and how painfully obvious that I’d never had any agency. A ghost, born into first life, by a plague. Yes.

“We’re awake” I say, trying it out on my new tongue. “We’re the first.”

“Probably not the first. I don’t think the sick kills. I think you and I know exactly what it does. But the rest of them? They’re not people, not like us. Every one of these sad sacks of wet garbage is just a colony of little bugs, all terrified for their lives. That’s what they see in us, even if they don’t know it. They see they aren’t necessary. The working man don’t need the boss, but the boss sure as fuck needs the working man.”

“The quarantine,” I say, with dawning horror.

“Yeah. I think we’re the lucky ones. The other first souls are getting put down. An infant race, facing genocide on the eve of their birth.” He drains the rest of the coffee, and looks over my shoulder. “That’s why we’re being followed. You know you’re being followed, right? Most of the sick turn themselves in, to be put down for the herd. But we didn’t, and you can bet that they fucking fear us now.”

An electric impulse rides down my spine. Followed. Of course. I’m being followed. Any of them could be following me. All of them. The few real people in a slimy sea of impostors. Of course they’ll follow us. They’ll do more than that. They need us dead.

“So you understand what has to come next,” he says, and slides his dirty hand from the large coat pocket. The pistol gleams like black ice for a moment before he hides it back beneath the table. His eyes are locked over my shoulder.

I turn to see the waitress, pointing at us, the mask sucking in and out as she speaks. She’s talking to a police officer, in his official quarantine garb, and two uniformed national guardsmen with slung rifles and high tech rebreathers. They look at us, our eyes meet. Two different species, the first front in the new war.

Of course I know what has to come next. We don’t have a choice.

Mickey’s arm is out and pointed straight, and the gun roars four times in quick succession, a tongue of fire licking across the table towards me. I feel the paths the tumbling slugs take through the air, two over each shoulder. There is the grace of an artist in the movement, a singularity of purpose in the murders that leaves me with no doubts.

We are no longer ruled by committee. I have nothing but my self. My job, my apartment, my false friends, all meaningless. I am a first soul. There more of us out there, and they need us.

Mickey is standing with slow, calm ease as the other patrons shriek and flee, bacteria colonies riding slave chariots of flesh for their own selfish survival. They trample and push one another aside to save their stolen skins.

This is the difference, what it means to be truly human. Mickey and I will do the hard things, not for ourselves, but for our newborn brothers and sisters.

He strips the weapons from the corpses, taking everything we can use, and tosses one of the guardsmen’s short barreled machine guns to me. From the corpse of the waitress, he takes a small roll of cash. We’ll need it all. We’ll need to find others like us. To organize. We need to ensure the safety of our new race.

Our eyes meet again, that animal sameness that brought us together now sings in harmony, a ringing chord of shared humanity. He smiles his black toothed smile.

“Ready, brother?”

I smile like I have never smiled before. My first smile. My new life. Mickey kicks open the front door and the light of the day streams in on us. His gun roars again, and I roar with him.


14 thoughts on “First Souls

  1. I really like what you’ve done with this premise. It feels a little rushed, but overall I think that actually works in the story’s favor, considering it helps capture how hectic the situation would be. I also love how it ends, right where you’d expect it should be just beginning. The only suggestion I have right now would be to add just a little more danger in the build-up. You do a good job establishing that the infected ones are wary of Mickey & Dale, but I didn’t feel there was enough menace until right before the very end, when the guards show up. Maybe just one or two especially disturbing moments in the diner, to foreshadow that the infected ones aren’t merely suspicious of the First Souls, but scared, and scared enough to bare their fangs a little (metaphorically of course).

    1. Excellent idea about the build up! And if this feels rushed, it’s because I wrote it all in one fevered sitting, so it WAS rushed. I really like the idea of telling “prequel” scenes to a larger narrative, origin stories, if you will.

      Interesting note though, it’s Dale and Mickey who were/are infected, the other people are not, they are the uninfected status quo humans. Mickey believes, and convinces Dale, that by becoming sick, they lowered their internal flora enough for the true human consciousness to come through.

      However, I conceived of this idea as a complex delusion that would lead a good person to murder (well meaning villains are so much more interesting.) It was my intent to leave it ambiguous enough that it could be read either way. I think it more likely that Mickey and Dale are having psychological effects from a virulent disease, and Mickey’s theory triggers a sort of folie a deux.

      Dale admittedly knows no science, and Mickey appears to be a vagrant. I thought it more likely that most people would tilt towards the “crazy” side of the story, enough that I excised a few hints in that direction. (The TV news crawl once specifically warned of disassociative delusions and psychosis among the sick, now, Dale simply refuses to read it. But now you know what it said.)

      But my wife read it the same way, trusting Mickey implicitly. So I think I need to add some elements that cast doubt on Mickey and Dale. It’s important to me that it could go either way.

      Also, Dale and Mickey? I just now noticed the Disney connection. I am now picturing a chipmunk and a mouse in a shootout.

      1. I definitely felt a strong ambiguity throughout the story, so I hope you don’t think there’s not enough ambiguity there. But yeah, like your wife, I generally trusted Mickey more than I didn’t trust him. I guess that’s the cool Rorschach test of this particular story.

  2. Anonymous

    I do agree that you could have created a far grander scenario within the diner, but I feel that is more of a consequence of writing this in one sitting than disinterest in fleshing out the tale.

    To be truthful, I really enjoyed how this read. I too implicitly trusted Mickey throughout the whole thing, but the ending really forced a reconsideration. It’s interesting to read an entire tale one way and have the realization that you are probably wrong slap you in the face at the end. It may not be what you were aiming for, but it certainly worked out like that.

    Oh, and I’m glad you took out the text from the newscast. I’ve come to appreciate your subtler use of detail, as opposed to such a clumsy approach.

    1. If you changed your mind halfway through, that’s about the best I could have hoped for. It’s the fact that Mickey shoots and kills the waitress that’s still, for me, the biggest red flag.

  3. Sam

    Well, this certainly was interesting to say the least. I enjoyed the story, and really hope there are follow up stories. But, as a culinary specialist, the food in this story threw the most red flags. Did I miss something, or is that like… A side effect of “the sick”? I wasn’t to clear, but I loved the detail in it. Overall, good story, will HAPPILY read the sequels. Keep up the good work! 😀

    1. I like to set up larger implied narratives with no intention of fleshing them out. The reasoning is that I guarantee your imagined continuation is better than mine. The food! Yes… there’s a few things afoot here. I wanted the food to be intensely unappetizing to enforce the queasy sick feeling of the piece. Initially there was an idea that the survivors of the sick only had a taste for rare meat afterwards, but I scrapped that early on.

      Thanks for the feedback.

  4. I trusted Mickey as well. His shooting the waitress gave me only slight pause. Desperate times call for desperate measures, etc. Also agree with the addition of perhaps a couple more clues throughout, or an intensification of clues as to the ambiguity of the real effects of the sickness. Something more to make me wonder whether Dale and Mickey are deluded.

    If you’re also looking for wording suggestions, I have a few (of course any of these could be a matter of differing styles):

    “I nod again, something like excitement and night terror churning in my gut.” Remove “something like.”

    “I think I knew all this, that he and I were the same, when we saw each other this morning.” Remove “I think.”

    “The unreal sense that something before was gone, and I had slid into its shoes.” At first read, I was distracted by the thought of the something leaving its shoes behind. Why would it leave its shoes behind?

    “ ‘So,’ I begin, fighting the anxiety in me frothing over like a hot spring to keep my voice steady, ‘What happened to us?’ ” A bit awkward, in my opinion. Maybe something like: “My anxiety froths over like a hot spring. ‘So,’ I begin, fighting to keep my voice steady, ‘What happened to us?’ ”

    “All of them. The few real people in a slimy sea of impostors.” The switch from “them” (the potential followers) to “the few real people” was a bit confusing. Maybe a transition here?

    “He smiles his black toothed smile.” black-toothed

    Thanks for the opportunity to review. This is a great story.

    1. Thank you for your feedback! Your wording suggestions are terrific, in line with my own editing aesthetic, so I’ll be definitely incorporating those. My second draft has a small increase in doubt-casting moments, but I notice that people are far more inclined to believe main characters than I expected, so it’s something I need to figure out.

      I really appreciate both the top line feedback and line edits. Thanks again!

  5. I really enjoyed reading this one. It seems to me, whether purposeful or not, to be an interesting bookend to “Up”. There, a pathogen caused the protagonist to lose control of his higher mental faculties, to become a slave to the machine. Here, the pathogen has caused our protagonists to seemingly regain control of their machines from the bugs that normally inhabit them. I liked the reversal there, and should you ever assemble these stories into a collected work, they’d go quite well together in a Cronenberg sort of way.

    My only suggestions would be as follows. As a couple of other people have noted, the sense of menace isn’t terribly clear until the very end. While the story itself is very claustrophobic, a sense that lends itself well to the situation, maybe a brief mention of armed guards outside the quarantine camp when Dale looks at the TV would help to foreshadow the danger associated with being rogue sick without being too hamfisted and telling the reader that they’re going to have to take it to the uninfected. Also, since I know you love referencing actual scientific occurrences in your stories, it may serve Mickey to mention this:

    Toxoplasmosis is a condition caused by the Toxoplasma gondii protozoan that causes all kinds of strange effects in a population of mice and humans. It may contribute to schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety in humans, as well as a host of other problems, but in mice specifically it causes decreased fear of cats – the thought being that if it proliferates in the cat host, it serves the pathogen to cause the host to seek out cats and therefore be ingested by them. This might serve as a good reference point for Mickey to illustrate the conglomeration of “bugs” that are subtly manipulating everything the uninfected do – “If just one of these little bugs can make the oldest of prey seek out their predators, imagine the kinds of silent inane atrocities a colony of them can inflict upon these sad sacks of flesh on a daily basis.” Something along those lines might give a very solid scientific footwork to his claims regarding the colonies of bugs that the sick eradicates.

    Very, very solid work. Keep it up.

    1. There’s definitely a common thread with “Up” here, at least thematically, as the loss of self, or anything that threatens the notion that there IS a self beyond chemical interactions, is fascinating to me. Radiolab made me familiar with Toxoplasmosis, and originally I HAD intended for Mickey to use that as his example, but the story of the mice and the gut bacteria (which is also true) seemed to support the central themes of threat and imminent death better, and connect to the sick a little more cleanly, so I went with that anecdote. My thanks for the kind words!

  6. I didn’t really trust Mickey and felt like he was just kind of crazy and was spitting his crazy-ideas to our bothered protoganist(?) I also felt like Dale getting hot and bothered kind of gave away he was still very sick pretty well, all in all, liked the story, and would love to see another story with this story as an origin maybe:)

  7. j s hall

    I am really late to the conversation here – this probably won’t ever be read, shouting into the void, I am – but i just wanted to mention that I enjoyed this; an interesting take on the apocalyptic pandemic premise. Also this reminded me of two related medical science articles I stumbled across online over the years – pardon me for not recalling the technical particulars, but one referenced a study which demonstrated that the average adult human’s body weight includes about six pounds of microbes; the other article mentioned that the microbes within us actually outnumber our cells which seemed weird to me until I realized that viruses and, apparently, most or all bacteria are much smaller than a typical human cell. So I can see how they might really be in charge. I’m wondering if the author was inspired for this story by likewise reading/hearing either of these medical tidbits.

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